It's raining here, a slow and steady drizzle. Earlier the rain was accompanied by loud claps of thunder, shaking the house. Our power went out briefly but came back on, for which I'm grateful. It's a good day for brewing a pot of Chinese tea and writing.
The weather also suits my still somewhat somber mood. The funeral yesterday touched me and made me - once again - think about my life. Martha (the woman who passed) did everything right. She worked out, trained with a trainer, did yoga, ate healthy, and was in touch with her spiritual side. Yet the cancer still took her.
I've let a lot of things slide lately and not so lately. I'm trying to get back on the working out/eating healthy mindset, and I really know I need to quit drinking beer if I want to lose weight. But what struck me the most was how much I've let my spiritual side go.
I'm not talking about a church - though it's rare for me to find the connection I seek with the Higher Power within church wall, it has happened. I'm talking about my relentless quest for the ambiguous "truth". When I was in my late teens and early 20's, I was on an all-consuming search. I'd tried various Christian religions and gradually discarded them, unable to fit their often rigid theology into my core beliefs. I had an Irving library card in those days and I'd push my baby daughter's stroller there and check out books. I read about all different kinds of religions and beliefs, and from that I cobbled together a somewhat wobbly belief system of my own.
Content with that, I retreated from the search. I felt no need to try and convince others or try to sway them to my beliefs, nor did I have patience when others didn't give me the same courtesy. I celebrated the connection with my God in things of the earth - the beauty of an inky night sky, the roar of a waterfall, the pure love I saw in my dog's eyes. This I still do.
I've felt no need to attend a church, well aware that there are no Christian churches that share the same set of beliefs I do. Because I was raised Catholic, I find the most beauty and comfort and - yes, connection - in the Catholic church, even though I no longer subscribe to all their beliefs.
Yesterday, when the minister spoke about Martha, she mentioned that Martha had attended to all her earthly needs well - eating healthy, exercising, etc - but realized she'd come to take her spiritual needs for granted. Now understand, Martha had been attending this church for over 30 years. But in celebration of the spirit - of the Higher Power, whether God or Goddess - Martha realized she'd let that joy stagnate.
I have as well.
One more area I need to improve on. Back to re-reading my beloved books - Many Mansions, by Gina Cerminara (which I've had for over 30 years), the Edgar Cayce readings (again, 30 years), and many others. I am going to venture a bold guess and say that this will be yet another way to refill the well - that creative space that so often seems to run dry.
So I'll close. Perhaps I gave you food for thought. Perhaps this is just the rambling of a middle-aged woman who is still sad from a funeral. Who knows. But this is what I wanted to write today, so bear with me. And now I'll return you to your normal day, and I'll return to my fiction writing.