Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thursday February 10, 2011

Well, our little ice "event" is over and so is my lovely time at home.  Today I have to go back to the day job.  However, yesterday was a bit of an eye opener for me.  I spent the entire day writing (in between making some wonderful chicken white bean chili and cornbread for dinner) and managed 1200 words, which is a lot for me.  I actually enjoyed myself and it sort of dawned on me that maybe - just maybe - my creativity isn't dead after all.

Thwap! (hitting myself metaphorically upside the head)

I'd been struggling privately with the notion that perhaps I had become so burned out that I'd managed to use up my alloted store of creativity.  I now realize (ok, I suspected all along) that the majority of my troubles is trying to work full time, stay fit and healthy, keep my marriage happy, and squeeze in writing in my "free" time.  Of which there is too damn little. 

I'd resented having to spend my weekends (precious time off) working on writing.  The word flow felt like pulling teeth and I'd mentioned to more than one writing friend I was worried my creativity was gone.  I had even begun to privately wonder if I should give up writing.  I mean, how can you be a writer if you have no creativity, no spark?  And no matter what I did, it felt like mine had vanished.

Not so.  I just need to devote 100% to writing.  Now, I've mentioned in this blog before that 2011 is the year.  My husband and business partner in the day job have discussed it and he agreed, at least verbally.  I told my agent when I met with her in person last year and told my husband that I planned to be writing full time before my "big" birthday in early May.

Since then, my husband appears to be having, shall we say, some "difficulty" letting go of the day job.  Or, more specifically, me working there.  And with me writing the last book in a large six book contract and my agent getting ready to negotiate another large contract, this year is my year. 

It.  Is.  MY.  Year.    Not trying to sound selfish, but I think it's finally time.  MINE.

My agent met with my editor and the senior editor for my publisher yesterday and they both want more books.  Lots more books.  I want to write more books for them, so we're all good here.  I want to be able to give myself shorter deadlines, but in order to do this, I need to have the time to actually WRITE.  Not squeeze it in when I can, in between five thousand other committments, but give it my all.  After all, I gave the day job 110% all these years. 

A good plan, right.  Sounds simple.  It's time to move on to a new phase in my life.  I know what I need to do and what steps I need to take to do it.  Easily said.  Not as easily done. 

About the day job...  If it were a "normal" day job (ie; if I weren't part owner with my husband), I'd simply give my two week notice and walk away.  Yet how do I do that without causing major, major problems with my spouse?  He cannot keep the business running without me, unless he works 12-14 hour days, 7 days a week.  I don't want him to do that.  Plus, he'll feel like I've abandoned him and the business I worked so hard to help him build.

I'm not the type to walk away from responsibility - I'm reliable and trustworthy and have been called a "steady Eddie" by bosses in the past.  Yet I've been published since 1997 and working at this insurance agency business since 1999.  Isn't 12 years enough to give someone else's dream?  Isn't 14 years long enough to put my dream on the back burner?

I wish my husband read my blog (he doesn't - not sure why).  I've already told him I need to talk with him before I talk to my agent again on Monday.  I don't doubt that he'll be supportive, but actually getting him to come up with a workable plan, that's something else.   And it has to be workable.  Not something like "Fine, just stay home.  I'll figure something out."  (Hint: he's said that in the past).

Wish me luck!

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